Insurance monoliths Cigna and
United Healthcare announced today that they plan to provide affordable and
thorough coverage to all Americans who are in need. According to Cigna CEO David M. Cordani, “We just ran the
numbers and decided it made sense. In 2010 I received
$12.5 million in compensation, plus $8.4 million in stocks and stock options,
just for running an insurance corporation. Do you know how many people we could cover with that money?”
Cordani added, “When the health
of Americans turned into a Supreme Court dog-and-pony show, that’s when we
decided to step up. It shouldn’t come to that.”
Stephen Hemsley, United
Healthcare’s CEO, added “between the two of us, we paid lobbyists $3.8 million
dollars during the 2010 election cycle. We thought that actually providing
healthcare with that money would be so much better. Plus, now we won’t have to
pay those lobbyists anymore.”
Early reports indicate that a
number of lobbyists will be placed in the five states with the lowest percentage
of covered Americans – Oklahoma, Florida, Alaska, Mississippi and Texas – and
trained to provide information and assistance to the neediest in the
population. We could not confirm this with any of the lobbyists, who refused to
comment for this article.
Cigna’s profit in the 2nd
quarter of 2011 was $408 million. “I’m very proud of our generous stockholders
for backing us on this endeavor. It truly shows that we have the best interests
of our fellow Americans in mind,” said Cordani.
United Healthcare showed a 13%
increase in profits for the same period.
Said Hemsley, “Let’s face it.
More than 17% of people in our country are not insured, and too many are
suffering needlessly because the corporations have only focused on their bottom
line. It’s time for insurance companies to get back to what their mission
really is: providing healthcare.
“It’s just the right thing to
do.”
Ha ha! Gotcha! April Fool!!!
(a girl can dream, right?)
