Saturday, November 2, 2013

There Ain't No Cure

I have a really shitty cold right now. The virus monsters were kind enough to wait until after my Saturday class at UCLA was finished; however, now I have my Saturdays back and I'm sick. This morning I woke up with sinuses so completely clogged that, if you wanted to kill me, all you would have to do is glue my lips together and I would suffocate. After a night of mouth-breathing my tongue was so dry I could hardly move it. I had to pour water into my mouth to pry it loose. 

Writing this, I started to go into more gory detail about the alarming results of the morning’s nose-blows, but instead I will focus on being helpful, because that's the kind of gal I am. And so, to that end, here is my list of... 

Things To Do When You Have A Cold If You Want To Feel A Little Better

1) Take a very long hot shower.

2) Light your favorite candles even if you can’t smell them.

3) This one is for the ladies: wear your favorite perfume even if you can’t smell it. For me, it is Stella by Stella McCartney. There, I said it. Go ahead and discontinue it now, you bastards at Sephora.

Alongside my previous now-obsolete favorites; not pictured, eleven shades of discontinued lipstick

4) Wear your favorite shirt and favorite comfy shoes, no matter how beat up they are. Also sweat pants or beat-up jeans, your choice.

5) Get the Kleenex Plus with Lotion. You will not regret this.

6) Take on a mundane task you have been putting off, because it just hasn’t been quite important enough during the course of your daily healthy life. For me, this was cleaning and reorganizing my jewelry armoire. Based on its condition, I don’t think it had been cleaned since January. Plus I found a bunch of missing earrings. It's like Christmas!

7) Read “The God of Cake” for the 107th time on Laughter really is darn good medicine. Thanks Allie Brosh!

 well... cake and decongestants.
8) Eat lots of fruit. Not Halloween candy (I’m serious here, goddammit Leanne, it doesn’t help in spite of how happy chocolate makes you in the short term). Now you have a legit excuse to make tasty smoothies all day long!

9) Also: eat spicy food, because it's probably the only thing you can taste, and if it's worthy it'll open up those nasal passages. I recommend Vietnamese Pho.
The original Mucinex.
10) Take naps whenever you feel the need. And if you feel guilty about it, the cold viruses will rejoice and multiply, so do not feel guilty or you won't get better. I'm serious. In fact, I'm going to go prove it right now.


Mmmm. Lovely nap. Now I have to get back to my earrings, people. Got some silver to clean. Hey, what do you do to feel better when you're sick? Comments below...